Bare Truths ~ Transcending suffering~

This being human.

A term i love to use daily, as it reminds me to constantly check in with myself about how i'm doing, how mindful, or not i'm being and if in certain given moments i can realise myself enough to be consciously choosing and intending healthy outcomes. living and choosing to live consciously has taken a new lead in my life, now feb 2018 , after a recent heart break recovery~ and some transformational work around it.

My personal course in this lifetime is to choose connection rather than disconnection. That is to transcend my personal suffering. Easier said than done. Especially after having grown up in a highly dysfunctional family commune, where dysfunction is characterised by the middle class counter culture.

I am surprised at how little is written and explored today spanning the huge impact parents have on their off spring, and how much is unacknowledged in the damage often caused by either ignorance, mental health or a more uncommonly known, lack of awareness states.

I am one of those 1972 children that grew up with very young dysfunctional parents who chose to consciously not bond with me as an infant. a social experiment you could call it.

So instead of learning how to nurture and excel in being the best care givers,/ parents they could be, they pursued narcissism.

They were part of the privileged class at the time who could explore the ego and rebel against all the norms that had tarnished them. Nuclear family was out, and children like myself were made to live experimental communities that hosted the possibility to explore polyamory, different movements, the bohemian intellectual groupies, acid and endless partying encounter groups and constellations.

I'm sure this generation of parents thought they were at the time really doing important personalised work. Radicalising they believed a repressed societal Britain.

It's always easier on retrospect to regard the past. and this blog in not a blaming rant, rather i try to highlight the problems as a way of my own self healing , to name the un nameable, so to free myself of any residual shame. I use the word shame, as i feel it is powerful, as i know i carry it and letting go of it is an arduous task,,, and i am committed to freeing myself of the developmental trauma that arose from my very chaotic, disturbing and abusive childhood, and with out pharmaceutical prescribed drugs .

As i see it we are never free of the past until we dare to look at it. I have been running from it all my life even when i have been in years of therapy. i just couldn't look at the depth my own fear and pain . The result has cost me years of toxic anger and self destruction. This is why i am attempting to address it now as i have the needed developed awareness, maturity and learnt ability to now hold my trauma and self regulation in away that is empowering.

I believe there is a perfect timing for all things, you cant force yourself to be ready to do anything. The mind/ego self protects in advance ways, that only a gentle, safe environment can help de amour the guarded and defended self. That process must have the right support and appropriate environment for the 'letting go' and 'opening up' process to begin with the right person.

I am an advocate for therapy as even though both my parents were Therapists. i always had an interest and ability for the path of inner wisdom supported by my connection to life force.

I find it amazing that we can all be in Therapy for years and years and still not cultivate enough wisdom and awareness to realise oneself properly. This is why Existentialism interests me so.

How easy our mind can be tricked into believing and thinking certain trains of thought, and how difficult and challenging it can be when we confront our own belief systems.

I take much support from the therapy i had, addressing developmental trauma. I am now contemplating embarking on neurofeedback,/neuroplasticity, to address some of the hard wiring trauma in my pre frontal cortex. This is aided by financial help, but mainly my mind is ready to embark.

i have let go of a lot of resistance for this to happen, the main one being my victimised state of mind. I have been locked into this all my life, and now i feel more courage to be vulnerable and honest about my disturbing neurosis, i can open to others and let them in. I've chosen to go into connection rather than my normal survival mode of disconnection and lone wolf.

I believe you have to want to heal. you have to be willing to really stand in the fire of utter existential fear and be willing to die. Fear was running me for so long i was debilitated.

what i realised recently was i had totally lost my connection to God. i became cynical. my heart closed after i was dumped and i really wanted to die.

Now generally i am a believer in God. i carry huge faith, really ever since my incredible journey of when i lived in India 2006. life force, or as i like to refer to it as ' the divine principle', is me and i am it. i feel absolute faith and trust here.

so a miracle occurred over xmas. I went to Australia to be reunited with my rather disconnected and tenuous relationship with my mother. i needed a mother!

she was visiting friends in Australia with her husband, and i had become a blob of absolute activated trauma, despair and misery. i desperately needed her and i had already began to reach out to her, daily.

Now when you have a very complex and disturbing relationship with your absent mother, reaching out is excruciatingly scary as i have a rooted history in not been seen, loved, understood and cared for. I reached out anyway...and as we know miracles are beyond reason, and during one of our skype calls she asked me if id like to join her and them in Australia. I cant remember the last time i was genuinely invited to go and spend xmas with her. I immediately answered yes.. something in that moment transformed in our relationship. i know for my mother that was scary for her to invite me as it is for me to reach out.

the bond was created.

the trip proved to be an all round success as her and i were able to address some trauma issues together and look at how we as mother and daughter can further our journey to heal and move into more connection.

i found God again, merged with life force and explored my heart opening with 2 beautiful men;

and my inner world of what i had previously regarded as a continuous torment calmed.

i discovered a new ease , and obviously the sea, nature and sun's rays contributed vastly to my inner and outer state of wellbeing.

I believe fully that to heal our core wounds we must be willing to stand in the fire of our terror. transcending suffering is all about transcending fear into love.

and my journey will continue on my path of deep vulnerability, shedding old skin and hopefully with more miracles to come *